What is happening with the men of today?



Think of your later ex-boyfriends. First of all the Adventurer. Then the Undecided and the Party-man. But which one is the man of your dreams? It seems that we have to do with a cultural male crisis.


Signs that he is a part of a new race


Secondary effects of a contemporary male way of thinking that you have already noticed:


His biological clock is ticking faster than yours. Remember the way Brat Pitt shocked Diane Sawyer enthusiastically exclaiming that he wants to have kids.


The “ransack” instinct has disappeared. Now he indeed wants to be just a friend, you can be sure that it’s not just a ruse to sneak into your bed.


He cannot meet you to have a cup of coffee because he dines out with his best friend. And neither football nor strip-tease is their plan.


He is preoccupied with the measures of his own bud. It takes him an hour to fit a shirt with his extremely “washed” jeans. He is constantly asking your opinion about his body.


He doesn’t answer the phone calls from the company while he is with you. Instead he puts down in a notebook any joke that he might afterwards use in a potential speech of a Nobel Prize for Peace winner.


   Something is happening with the men of the third millennium. You know what we are talking about: some of them still dwell on their parents’ back, a job after their immediate graduation is not a priority for them anymore and they have become inactive—not to say lazy—when it has to do with dating and sex. But they haven’t been always like that, have they? Psychologists swear that NO. Even they are surprised of the enormous difference between a young man who is 20 and a typical man like a type who was 5-10 years ago. The smart guys who are about 30 today didn’t hide behind the bar waiting for a woman to hook them and they weren’t delighted by the perspective of a serious relationship like the men of today.


   What do all these changes mean for you, the love lady of a male from the new generation? Will he ever grow up? Will there be a moment when he will not hide under your skirt anymore and face the outside world?  COSMO did the homework and is ready to answer all your questions about the weird behavior of a man of the year 2005.


Still, why do most of them still live with their parents and they don’t show any signs of interest in a career?


   Isn’t it wonderful to nest with your boyfriend on a couch after a stressful day of work? Only you and him, a DVD with a romantic film and…his mom. Many of the men of today are not preoccupied to obtain their independence. They prefer to stay in the same apartment where they grew up, to collect some money calmly while their dad fills their car with fuel and their mom cooks a baked chicken. To move back to your parents after graduation and the financial dependence on them were unimaginable things for young people 5-10 years ago. It is ok, but our boys not only imagine such facts but they even apply them shamelessly. They are thinking: “Why to refuse such a convenient deal?”


   It is normal for you to say now: “You are dumping me, dweller!?!” But don’t hurry up. Their mentality is in fact more complicated than it seems. Despite of the appearances these guys cannot be accused of snugness and lack of willpower. In reality they have huge and rather serious plans about their future fulminating career, rich agricultural lands they will buy and a “like-in-films” wedding that they will conduct with endless love. The problem is that they do nothing to achieve at least one of these aims. In other words, they are not willing to go through an unpleasant period of unsuccessful attempts: first-step jobs, boring and badly paid, one rooms that they might rent, inadequate girls.


   You have to know that these boys think of everything in superlative: “I want the best job, the greatest lover and the coolest accessories.” At this age optimism is extremely important, in fact they have been taught this since they were small: that they can accomplish anything that strikes their mind. The problems with their first job or the clumsiness of the first dates are seldom to take place in their everyday agenda. Moreover they are not even slightly embarrassed by their strategy “I’m waiting to be discovered”. Young men of today are more likely to assume dependence on their parents than the young men some 10 years ago. So don’t regard them as simple parasites that vegetate on their mom’s couch. They do nothing else but spend a lot of time on improving their Great Future Plan.


   And here comes the key question: how do you fit in this scheme? More and more women are confronted with the difficulties of a relationship with a less motivated partner than they are. And they ask themselves daily if they can rely on their “halves” in order to hand out the tasks of maintaining a stable relationship in a non-stop regime. These men need an impulse. They must be helped to understand that the big chance will never find them in their mother’s living-room. Thus patience and diplomacy is needed. Explain to him that he must make his first steps by himself, even if this must mean to accept the difficulties of a first job. Otherwise nobody will know who he is or what he is worth.


How is that they don’t have the courage to make the first step?


   If you have dated some guys lately maybe you have noticed that many of them are rather reserved what concerns the first step. And sometimes even the second... They sit and wait until you hook them, maybe ask their phone number or buy them something to drink. It’s ok, but some of them are eager to wait for so long…


   The problem is not that the young men of today are not interested in a private relationship with a woman. It’s just that they accepted a new way of thinking: they are much more accurate with what concerns the outside factors. Don’t forget that they are absolutely convinced of the fact that they can do anything, but, on the other hand, they have never tried something that might contradict their theory. In such a way two consequences have resulted: they adopted the mentality “if the girl wants me, she will do something to achieve this” and because they have never risked to make the first step, they don’t really know how it feels to be rejected. They prefer not to try to seduce a woman until they are sure that she is really interested. Moreover they are not quite sure of their masculinity. And what’s the result? When they see a girl they like their blood freezes and there is only one question that strikes their mind: “To hook a girl is a male thing or boorishness?” And because the answer doesn’t come immediately they will make no step in the right direction.


   What about sex? You may not worry. He is a man indeed, and then he wants to have sex. The problem is that he lost any initiative “between the sheets”.  Why? Because he has heard that women are more and more daring at this stuff. They like this but it scares them at the same time. A guy who is 20-25 years old is saying to himself: “This woman knows exactly how she wants it to be in bed, so I should better let her do anything she wants with me.”


   Nevertheless don’t wait until his passive mood spoils the relationship, force your man to make more efforts for you. Don’t let him win when he tries some seduction tricks by email. If he wants to ask you out tell him that he should by all means take the phone and ask you directly. Don’t forget that the guy is not powerless. He is just much undecided. Immediately after you have made a step towards a communication in both senses help him to refuse such an approach as “you know it better, you tell me what to do”, and discover together new sexual territories. And yes, he needs the confirmation of the fact that he is a real man: the more often and convincingly you tell this to him, the more often he will try to behave in this way. Invent some situations in which he has a decisive role and praise him when his moves make you feel like in heaven.


Now that we have a stable relationship, why doesn’t he take the control?


   When you were beginners it was ok not to expect from him to hear some conversations regarding your common and bright future. But now you have been together for several long years and you have started to get bored of his reticence to make decisions that concern the both of you. Moreover, he is not only incapable to make an additional step in your relationship, but he declares himself really scared when you are trying to do this. This is where this attitude comes from: several years ago young men were trying to build a stable life together with their life partner. They were gradually building their careers, supporting each other and achieving a financial stability together. Nowadays, young men have the following plan: “Now I have fun as much as I can, then I make a financial career, she takes care of her own career, afterwards we put together our achievements and see what comes up.” Therefore there are no shared plans. Furthermore they didn’t have the chance to observe failed marriages of their elder brothers or neighbors. They are thinking: “Look what has happened to him, poor man, I’m not going to take this risk.” This is another reason to postpone any important decision for their couple until their future plans become clearer.


   This means that you are the reasonable one in your relationship. The experts are saying that though men don’t like to make decisive steps (in their relationships or career), they are still a bit ambitious—a fact that will determine them to make a change and improve. Meanwhile you take a full advantage: you have the chance to concentrate on your own career, you can make experiments with places and new people without any twinges of conscious and without the fear of being caught and mistreated by a possessive lover. And, maybe, right at the moment when he will finally decide to buy you an engagement ring you will also be prepared to give yourself to him for all your lifetime. 


© Crowelle.com/Tatiana Art